Trust your journey

“Trust your journey. The path will be revealed to you as you walk it.”- morning meditation

Trust. Something I have struggled with my entire life. Like so many others, I was brought up being taught to rely on outside sources - trust the church, trust the adults, trust the doctors, the scientists- whoever was in authority. THEY had the answers - if I did what they told me, I would be safe. I wouldn’t have to worry. Life would be easy because I wouldn’t have to make mistakes myself or learn anything the hard way. And I can understand the teaching. I can see their point of view and what they were trying to say. But what I always struggled with was that trusting them meant doubting me. All too often, my heart didn’t agree with what they told me. So I would fight it, and then the message that had been drilled into me over and over again- that I was not smart enough, old enough, responsible enough to know for myself - would come barreling back and hit me in the stomach, doubling me over in pain. The guilt and shame would rush in, and I would quickly decide again that they were right - anytime I doubted, I felt terrible, so clearly I was wrong.

Over the years, the message slowly evolved to “trust yourself - as long as you are getting the same answers we are telling you”. Which was somehow even harder. Because my answers still didn’t add up to theirs. I would spend countless hours trying to reconcile my inner beliefs with everything I had been taught. My well-being childhood conditioning worked so well that my initial reaction was always that I was wrong- I had to keep trying until I understood as they did. Until my answers matched their answers. Decades of pushing down my inner truth. Decades of shunning who I really was. I spent my life in fear that someone would find out that I thought and felt so differently than everyone else. I was constantly on guard and continually beating myself up for not being like them. Why couldn’t I get the same answers? What was wrong with me?

When I finally started to trust myself - it was terrifying. My entire life had conditioned me to doubt myself. Who was I to question and to think? Bit by bit, I gained confidence in my thoughts. I trusted myself a little bit more, and then a smidge farther. I was doing it! After years of control, I was finally in charge of my life! I could control any outcome! No one would ever decide for me again! And wouldn’t you know it - as I learned and grew for myself - I discovered that there was even more to my understanding. That there wasn’t need for rigid control at all. That my path was already perfectly laid out for me- by me. And not knowing the next step didn’t meant I wasn’t moving forward- it meant that I could trust myself and the Universe enough to know that it had brought me this far - through this messy and perfect life with everything I need exactly when I need it.

Now, as I make plans, I can trust myself confidently- knowing that if it’s not for my highest good, I will know. I will be redirected, I can govern for myself how I choose to live my life, and that everything is constantly working to create the perfect life and lessons for me. There is no need to rush- what is needed will come as I am ready for it. All that I need to to do is be willing to move my feet.