What is a "Dark Night of the Soul"?

When you start poking around the metaphysical world, you'll likely run across the phrase "dark night of the soul". People tend to throw this around like candy- everyone commenting on their experiences and finding the commonalities. It can be easy to think that 1- it has to be some BIG crazy experience, or 2- it has to match up to the stories you read or hear about. In reality, that may not be what you experience. But first, what even IS a "dark night of the soul"?

Simply put, a dark night of the soul is whatever pushes you to turn inward for guidance and begin questioning your status quo. Because questioning your life or beliefs can be very scary or unexpected for a lot of us, this time period can feel very unknown and isolating. You likely have never questioned anything to this extent before. Or if you did, you pushed those concerns and thoughts away. Your old answers don't feel like enough anymore, but you also don't know who or what to trust. We all handle these questions and feelings differently. In sessions with clients, the tone is generally very similar - longing for answers, trying to make sense of the world, intense confusion and frustration. However, the only experience I truly KNOW is my own. For me, I dove in to everything. And I mean everything. I wanted to read and know EVERYTHING so I could make sense of it all. I was raised within a strict religious environment - and within that environment, while I never felt like I fit in, I was always handed all the answers to my questions. Even if the answers didn't make sense to me, or feel right in MY soul, these were still the "correct" answers.

For the first three decades of my life, I fought an internal battle. The teachings I was raised with were seemingly never-changing (unless the current leader changed, then it was understood that the new leader had more correct, up-to-date prophecies and the old leader was simply stating their opinion, even though those opinions had been gospel truth while they were in charge), and if your views didn't align with theirs, you were wrong. Period. You didn't have enough faith. You didn't study the teachings well enough. You didn't sacrifice enough. You were prideful. You were living in sin. You can see where I'm going here, right? It didn't matter WHY you didn't align with the leader (and by extension the entire group), it was always, clearly, unequivocally YOUR fault - NEVER that the teachings were wrong, too generalized, out-dated, etc. Following your own intuition was only allowed if and when it matched the group leader's. With this kind of innundation wherever I went, following my own heart was strictly forbidden, and my soul was essentially stomped out of me. I learned quickly when I could ask questions and when to shut up and keep my thoughts to myself. (hint- if I wanted to fit in with the group, I mostly had to keep my thoughts to myself.) My soul was so at odds with these teachings that I was constantly stressed out and fighting internal battles. How could what I was taught (and my entire family had lived for generations) be right and true for all of them, but it didn't work for me? What was wrong with me? I agonized for years over these thought. I was clearly wrong here, right? EVERYONE else got the right answers but me. So, logically, something was wrong with me.

As you can imagine, the above thoughts did not help me flourish or even feel remotely confident trusting myself. I had a lifetime of experience that told me my thoughts were wrong and couldn't be trusted. This internal struggle continued to build and build until I could no longer take it. I had to figure out what I thought FOR MYSELF, or I simply couldn't continue.

Questioning my religious upbringing led to an avalanche of other questions. Suddenly, I didn't have ANY answers. While the answers I'd been raised with were unsatisfactory to me, they were still familiar and gave me a sense of security (and if I'm being honest, a little bit of superiority that I was smarter than everyone else - something we were constantly told as God's chosen people). Pulling away this key foundational brick caused my entire metaphorical house of beliefs to crumble and fall. Every relationship was questioned. Every decision. Did I really enjoy those hobbies or did I just choose them because I had been told too? Did I want that career path or had I just been conditioned to choose it? Did I marry my husband because I truly loved him, or because he had been raised in the same religious environment as me? When I say I had to question everything, I'm not exaggerating. My life had been built on thoughts and beliefs that I did not truly align with, and once I realized that, there was no going back.

As intense as the questioning part of the dark night of the soul is, perhaps the even harder part is how isolating it feels. Most likely, your close friends and family cannot understand what you are going for, no matter how well-intentioned they are. (Unless, of course, they have experienced it for themselves.) When you question the status-quo, people tend to feel threatened, and some may (intentionally or not) push you away. And, because you are not sure what information you trust, it can feel exhausting and all-consuming sifting through books and theories. We'll talk more about HOW to navigate through a dark night of soul next time.

Your dark night of the soul may be one final straw like mine was - built up after years of questioning. Or you could have a singular, life-changing experience that causes you to dig deep inside. Or it could happen subtly - until one day, everything in your life has changed and you no longer reconize the person you once were. The commonality is that deep yearning to look within and live a life truly aligned to your soul - anything less is now unacceptable.

I hope by sharing these expereinces, you can feel less alone if you find yourself suddenly questioning the narrative of your life. I hope you can feel that there are others out there who DO get you, who do understand how rattling and scary this time can be, and that it will not last forever. You will emerge on the other side, life will make sense once again, and that it's okay to live life on your terms.