All I ever wanted was to be a stay-at-home mom. My parents both worked full-time while I was growing up, so I didn't really know what that would look like, and the way the role of all-the-time at home Mom was described to me really only focused on the fun, rewarding parts- when your tiny little baby would smile for the first time, or getting to be the one to catch those first words or tiny, wobbly steps on camera, or watching a mini-me who would think and act exactly how I expected and wanted them to. (Of course, this tiny, imagined version of my off-spring had inherited only my best qualities, and none of the sass that I, myself, regularly exhibited in real life.) I pictured serene nights cuddled up with a freshly-bathed and delicious-smelling baby, cozy on the couch reading books and telling stories. Blissful outings where my children were dressed stylishly and always had their hair perfectly coifed and were always well-behaved. My children would never throw tantrums in the grocery store or fling themselves on the ground when it was time to leave the park. I suppose it would be safe to say I was incredibly naive about the challenging aspects of parenting. I mean, sure, potty training didn't look like very much fun, and I didn't really love the idea of being woken up at the crack of dawn by tiny humans ready to start the day hours too early, but surely, if you parented "the right way" then those trickier parenting situations would work themselves out, right?
Turns out, not exactly...
In what turned out to be a rather startling awakening, I discovered that you can read all the parenting books and blogs and you can binge all the child-rearing podcasts, but at the end of the day, you're still just you - an imperfect human who simply loves your kid more than anything and is trying to figure out how to best parent them during their current stage. You're the one in the thick of it- both the good and the bad, the ups and the downs, the crap and the celebrations. You're the one trying to grow and improve yourself while failing over and over again because, see, you've never been a parent before. And even if it's not your first, "guinea pig" child, you've definitely never parented this child before. And as it turns out, all children cannot be parented the same way. So you are the one who keeps researching, and googling, and speaking with all the experts because you are GOING TO GET IT RIGHT because you love this minature human more than life itself and giving up is not an option. And the craziest part? You love it. Because YOU get to be the one who truly SEES them. You know them better than anyone else. You get the privilege of watching all the amazing lightbulb moments and seeing them tick off all the milestones you read about. You're there as your baby grow from this tiny, helpless, swaddled-up nugget, to a hilarious, energetic toddler, to the smart, kind, curious little kid, to the most-amazing preteen with their own hobbies and style, to a teenager who you were warned would be sullen and terrible but is actually hilarious and empathetic and you love to be around them. And it's like this crazy, exhausting merry-go-round that you can't get off and you can't slow down. All the while you're holding your breath because its happening so fast AND somehow every day feels like Groundhog Day.
Can someone explain this to me? When I was a kid, time moved in a regular way. Every day I got a little older, always looking forward to the next birthday, where I definitley felt more mature and ready to grow up. Now that I'm a parent, its like I'm always stuck between two worlds. One where I LOVE watching them grow up. They are the most incredible people ever and the fact that I get to be there and be a tiny part of their lives just amazes me everyday. Seeing them grow and change is the coolest And then the other world where I want them to just stay little. Stay with me forever. Stay my baby. Don't ever get any bigger than this moment right now. It's already gone way too fast. How is my first baby almost 15? I swear we were having tea parties with her stuffed animals in her Cinderella dress-up just last week...but somehow I'm actually filling out high school registration forms?
No one prepared me for this. No one told me I would be both thrilled with them growing up and broken-hearted at the same time. No one told me I would be SO relieved to finally be out of the baby stage, and also miss it with every part of me. Who misses changing diapers and middle of the night feedings? I guess when it's been your life for so long, you do. 15 years is a long time to devote to taking care of babies. When it's all you know, where do you go from here?
To be honest, I'm not sure how this next stage of life is going to look. I'm not sure what I'll do with my days (sure, I've got a list a mile long and project ideas coming out my ears but...) without a little buddy here with me to help direct me. I'm worried about how quiet the house will feel without little feet running around. If I'm being really honest, I'm not sure who I am without being a full-time mommy to little people. It scares me a little. What I do know, is I have four months to soak in my last couple months before my last baby heads off to Kindergarten and I fully plan to make the most of it.
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